So this time round there will be no Nutshell or Full Ramble. This was a movie suggested to me by a friend of mine. She asked me to do an in-depth analytical review of the film because she “supposedly” based her life around it. I’m pleased to inform you that she turned out fine, or just pretend she’s fine when you meet her.
Toss some salt over your shoulder, ask the God of your choice for mercy and come along for some hell.
The film begins with a wannabe 3D looking title and mystical music. Ooooooh.. MAGIC!! Right when you think this is leading to something, it switches to a pop song. Not just any pop song, it switches to Fun by Rose Falcon. Because someone had to warn me about all the fun I was going to have while watching this film or I may have forgotten it was a comedy.
You know how Star Wars has an opening crawl and is insensitive to the blind and the illiterate by not reading it out. Yeah, screw Star Wars. This film is so much more inclusive, it reads out its opening text and has narration all through its 80-minute run time. Because Dana Carvey makes films for everyone and screw your insensitive ass, balls and tits.
I know why Dana Carvey wrote this film. You know how Mike Meyers made himself a movie star by being Austin Powers. British and a super secret awesome spy and all that. Dana must have thought to himself, Michael wrote this for himself and succeeded. Why can’t I write myself to be Italian and a part of a spy family and succeed too? Eureka, it’s the career reviver I need, Brilliant!!
So our lead character played by Carvey is named Pistachio Disguisey, no I’m not kidding. KILL ME NOW. Any character with that name is going to be an inbreeding doofus and low and behold, he is. Ta Da. He is a dipshit who wants to dress up like other dipshit people while wanting to marry a woman who is like his mother. No, stop thinking he wants to marry a woman with his mother’s glowing character, he wants to marry a woman whose ass resembles his mother’s. Because……….I don’t know, Fuck you, Go ask Dana Carvey these questions.
He is so painfully unfunny that a kid they hired to be in their movie won’t laugh at his unfunny, racially offensive, and over the top impressions and his “girlfriend” whose ass resembles his mom’s breaks up with him.
The most intelligent characters in the film everybody.
Then comes this shocking moment, his parents get kidnapped. OH MY GOD! How will we get them back? We know how important they are to this asshat’s life. We travel into the labyrinth that is their house and hear about, but not see, the ransacked nature of it. Dude one flipped over light does not equal ransacking. God damn it.
Then out the blue, we see an exorcist reference with the guy in black being dropped off by a taxi with a reworked version of the iconic score. I’m here thinking a real exorcist has dropped by to beat the devil out of this movie because it is clearly the devil who can be responsible for this abomination, but no, it’s just his asshole grandfather. He is going to teach our lead character how to be a master of disguise. Not like the faceless assassin in Game of Thrones, no. Because that guy is a pussy, with his many-faced God and all that malarky. These guys are legit.
Then his grandfather shows awesome he is at disguises by dressing up as a maid with a Scooby-Doo level costume. Not just him, everyone dresses up in a Scooby -D00 costume but fuck it, this film is kicking too much ass to care about that shit. So we have a pop-up book with the rules for being a Master of Disguise. I can’t help but wonder, if only all the holy texts were like this, with all the pictures and ultra-detailed rules, the world would have been a utopia or the hell hole this film takes place in.
So as we are plucking our eyes out while watching this training montage, we are treated to Data from Star Trek threatening our hero’s dad. He wants James Brolin to disguise himself as all the celebrity cameos this film can afford to get and steal the world’s rarest artifacts.
There is a scene where Carvey is supposedly an Indian guy. Um…. Yeah. He makes Apu look less racist and yeah. Yeah. We are all snake charmers and belong to three cities at the same time and wear all white and yeah. You know why Mike Meyers doesn’t have a career anymore right? Remember The Love Guru? Yeah. Bad Indian impressions don’t work well for Hollywood actors. So, what’s Dana Carvey doing these days again?…Yeah. Thought so.
So, moving forward. Our lead character (I refuse to say his name more than once) and his grandfather decide they need an assistant for their little operation. So they put out an ad and rightfully reject all 50 applicants. Why? Because they don’t look like the lead actress of the film silly. Why couldn’t they just do what Joey did, Assistant Required. Non-smoker Non-ugly, it would have fit the bill. So yeah, they hire her because these two bozos want to overcome our hero’s boner for his mother by getting an assistant with an ass size of 34 instead of the much sought after 64. Yeah. That just happened.
I’m eating chocolates now to keep myself from being depressed. Oh god no, this is dark chocolate. I’m not coming out of this with my sanity intact.
So this woman finds a cigar with the brand marking of the turtle club on it. So our hero who is a MASTER OF DISGUISE dresses up as a turtle of course because we know no one is going for an Oscar here so might as well go full retard. Our MASTER OF DISGUISE thinks all that turtles say is the word turtle and I want to stab my ears as well after this scene. I tried to give it a chance, I expected something to happen. It is this movie’s identifier. It’s on the bloody poster. They pushed this to the moon. This was the splash page in the middle of a comic book and what we get is a guy’s nose being bitten off and spit back onto his face. The universe hates me and wants me to experience eternal hell within my actual human life.
My personal tragedies aside, the aforementioned scene actually gives our heroes a lead and they visit Data (or that guy who farts when he laughs a lot) at a pool party. Ohhhhhh…they changed a setting. Time for a new disguise. What are we getting this time? I have forks at the ready, they will stab my eyes. And the disguise is *drum roll please* SCARFACE.
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I have no right eye anymore!!!!
I just cannot talk about how inspired this scene is. We say hello to his little friend and talk about nuts while also checking out a choreographed dance routine. If that doesn’t rustle your jimmies I don’t know what will old sport. Let’s just walk away from this flaming car wreck and never talk about it again. Deal. Deal. Good.
So our lead actress gets caught up at Data’s layer while searching for clues. Dana Carvey here thinks this is a good time to whip out some more disguises and save his lady love. He uses everything thing from a German to a British dandy to a literal pile of cow shit to make this happen. I can’t lie, people, he actually dresses up as shit. I mean you can’t get more on the nose than that. I’m compelled to believe this is a thinly veiled message to the audience. Carvey is like, this is shit, I am shit, and all of you are that security guard who just stepped in shit.
So our guy and girl get closer or something and fall in love and all that jazz. Just roll with it and it’ll be over soon alright. His lady gets kidnapped off screen somehow and a holographic grandfather coupled with that kid from earlier give our hero an idea on how to save her. Dana Carvey dresses up as a cherry pie to break into the villain’s lair. You know how we watched in horror when Eddie Murphy did Norbit. We were like Dude, The Fuck is going on? Yeah, that movie ain’t got shit on this one.
So our guy gets caught because he is such a master of disguise that he forgets to change his foot disguises.Data sets off this whole host of ninjas to fight Dana Carvey. These ninjas are definitely related to those assholes from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-The Secret of The Ooze. The most inept dicks who dance around and get their asses beaten by some dill hole who likes to dress up.
OH GOOD LORD!!!!! This makes perfect sense. This is where the script came from. The ninjas, the grown men in turtle costumes, the dad/splinter being captured, this is Ninja Turtles.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I did it. I figured it out and I just stabbed my left ear.
So let’s just call this movie Master of Disguise and get this over with. Data somehow makes Carvey’s dad a clone of himself. The clone wants to kill Carvey by making him fall off a thing which is five feet off the ground. Carvey, a man who destroyed ninjas, is scared of falling off this thing. He reminds his dad of who he really is by pulling his underwear out and putting it over his head and proving that he is been a man with shit stained disguises all along.
James Brolin shakes off his clone-ness. He literally shakes his face and his looks change from that of Brett Spiner to James Brolin.
WOWWWWWWWW!!!! My right ear is gone now!!!!!! Thank god I won’t have to listen to this anymore.
Wait, what do we do about the villain. He still got away. So with no explanation whatsoever, we go to Costa Rica and find Data hanging out there. The trio of disguisey-holes defeat him, because they can’t wait for the end credits themselves, and recover the Constitution. This movie turned into National Treasure for a second there. I don’t think Nic Cage went this far down the rabbit hole himself.
So that’s the end of the main film. But that’s not the end of this form of torture. This film has end credit scenes. Lots of them. Marvel took some fucking notes while watching this film and created their end credit scenes.
Whilst watching these end credit scenes I think to myself, you guys cut out so much. Good for you. You had the sense and sensibility to cut all this right. Why didn’t the same people watch this film and cut out all the scenes, I mean every single one that made the theatrical cut, and spared themselves the embarrassment, I’m one to ask, I watched this abomination.
So at the very end, we have a scene with Mario, yes the video game character Mario. He was the one who was inside the training dummy.
I………in the words of King Ross, push my fingers into my eyes!!!!!!!!!!
I’m successfully deaf and blind now!
All the best for your adventures with this movie!! May it entertain you as much as it has entertained me and FUCK YOU MOVIE!!!!
Please LIKE, COMMENT, SHARE AND FOLLOW to help me regain my senses.