Baywatch is a 2017 action comedy directed by Seth Gordon, written by Damian Shannon, Mark Swift, Jay Scherick, David Ronn, Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant and stars Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, David Hasselhoff, Priyanka Chopra, Ilfenesh Hadera and Kelly Rohrbach. The film follows the Baywatch crew as they attempt to stop a drug trading real estate baron from taking over the beach.

Look, I did not go into this movie expecting it to be a masterpiece in comedy. Frankly, I do not care about the hypersexualization of the men and women onscreen. We know what this movie is about and if we choose to be triggered by that, tough cookies for said trigger happy folk. The simplest problem with this film is that it’s not good. It’s not funny. it’s not compelling, it’s not entertaining, it’s just not good.

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You know what, I know that this is a stupid popcorn movie and I’m supposed to turn my brain off while watching it but I’ll ask the collective internet or the filmmakers themselves if they ever run into this essay, a question:

If there were packs of drugs washing up on the beach/in possession of beachgoers on a regular basis, why do we not inform the cops or the coast guard and have them on patrol? Could they not start an investigation themselves? It’s not like the Baywatch crew solved the case in a day. I’m sure the DEA would love to hear about this. People have been killed for lesser crimes.

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I’m just *deep breath* I don’t know what to say when 6 screenwriters sit at a table and this is the best they could come up with. This is the least compelling/entertaining role The Rock has even been in. He is just jock lifeguard guy who doles out big speeches with his big muscles and what else. Seriously, what is his character? I concede that he is not a “great” actor but he needs something to work with. Slapping him on your movie doesn’t make it good.

Zac Efron is the only person who has some sort of character arc no matter how flat it falls. Most everyone else is on the payroll to be eye candy. The three girls are extremely interchangeable. One sentence sums up all 3 “beautiful girls, who are nice and are “strong” female characters because they “save” lives”. And then comes the absolute worst character of the bunch, the comic relief “fat” guy.

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Now look, I’m not a good basketball player. I’m not tall enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not talented enough, I’m not that guy. So would the Golden State Warriors draft me onto their team because I trialed for them every year without any significant improvement in my skill set? NO. I’m not worth the place on the team because I’m going to take a spot away from a truly worthy guy who put in years of hard work to learn the craft and to condition his body to match the cut-off limits the sport requires. This film pretends that “heart” is all you need to be a man who is tasked with saving lives on a daily basis. I mean, HOW? Don’t forget that the film teaches the perfectly real and relevant lesson that “if you do a good deed, you’ll be rewarded with a hot girl who’ll have sex with you”.

I’m sure I’ve got my point across by now. The film is a cheap ploy to wrangle money from a few horny people who don’t remember that they have access to free porn or True Detective (if you know, you know). Priyanka Chopra’s considerable talent is completely wasted, the source material is trash anyway and Alexandra Daddario’s magnetic eyes can only distract me so long from the steaming pile of poorly rendered CG garbage unfolding on-screen.

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