Cars 3 is a 2017 animated film directed by Brian Fee, written by Kiel Murray, Bob Peterson, Mike Rich, Brian Fee, Ben Queen, Eyal Podell and Jonathan E. Stewart (not a good sign). It stars Owen Wilson, Cristela Alonzo, Chris Cooper, Armie Hammer, Bonnie Hunt, Larry the Cable Guy, Nathan Fillion, Kerry Washington and Lea DeLaria. The film, mercifully, follows the continuing journey of Lightning McQueen as he is upstaged by newer, faster and better race cars.

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Look, man, this film isn’t all that great alright. I refuse to pay any credence to the emotion that it’s a Cars movie and you should know what you are getting into. I see this as a Pixar movie and Pixar, even with a few hiccups, have been the standard bearers for quality animated content. Some people call Pixar manipulative but I could care less when the manipulation is done oh so well. But this movie, my god. Where did the imagination go?

The story of an aging icon unable to keep up with the current crop of younger talents is a tried and true one. It works because of its universal relatability. But relatability does not mean one can drop their attempts at being unique. I can cheer a film where a veteran passes the baton to the next generation as much as the next guy but the story has to make me care about the veteran or the fresh new face that runs the place. Lightning McQueen is still a dick and cookie cutter female race trainer is so cookie cutter that it puts most other “strong” female characters to shame. The “bad guy” car makes more sense than all of them, for some reason. What?

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I don’t feel the need to be clever or innovative with my write-up about this film because the film itself does not inspire me in any way good or bad. It’s only safe. It’s only marketable. It’s what sells toys and puts kids in seats. It’s what most parents deem to be good and clean content. That does not make the film a bad one necessarily, it just makes it forgettable. While the last one got a reaction as the worst Pixar film of all time, this film’s script aims for the mediocre so hard that I feel it wouldn’t rise a notch on the ladder of quality even if it had David Fincher at the helm.

The characters are flat, the scenes are flat, the staging is flat, the jokes fall flat, the voice acting is flat, the supposed “twists” are flat because a mildly seasoned moviegoer can see them coming from a mile away, everything but the tires on the cars themselves is flat. See what I did there. Did you observe that car pun I just made?

HA HA HA HA! Laugh at the silly car pun, the lot of you. You know we don’t have much else on offer. Our animation is photorealistic so fuck you if you ask for quality content.

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